2013 has been the safest year for me.Or perhaps the last 'safe' year of my life so far. I was aware that I was heading towards a cross road but now I'm actually under the signal lights of that cross road. Life is practically kicking me and nudging me to move one. My mind is so cluttered that I find it numb most of the times. That's also the only time when I feel at peace. I'm thinking too much and still too little in the right direction.
The right direction - yes! What could that be? I so wish that we were all born with a manual in our hands which listed the decisions that we had to take. Sadly that's not possible. Which is why we are labelled as the finest possible category of living beings. We have a power to think and act accordingly.
When do we 'really' start thinking? Perhaps when we realize that something is not going right or perhaps could be better than now. They say 'change is inevitable'. I say, 'who wants to evade it'? I so want to change. I have a clear conscious by God's grace and I think and realize when I need to change. But change should be for good. Good, bad, right or wrong - these are relative terms and can never be the same for everyone. Semantics, as we may call it. When we need help in making a decision, nobody understands us correctly. They can never do because 'good, bad, right or wrong' could be different for each one of us.
Why is that we find it hard to make decisions for ourselves. I'm not trying to offend our culture and my brought up in this very culture but we as Indians lack somewhere when it comes to decision making. This could be an open ended debate and I would love it if someone proves me wrong here. We have always been fed ideas in our mind. We have been shown why it is important to make it a point in the society that we have 6 figure (or more) salary and we have a profession that could be 'identified' by many - namely doctors, engineers and so on. Most of us have experienced that our families are more proud of us when our neighbors feel jealous of our status or some far fetched relative is desperate to make some matrimonial link-ups. It doesn't really matters which side of our brains are more functional, we just have to find our goals and dreams which can be appreciated by the masses.
On the contrary, when I interact with our 'white skin' counterparts at work, I realize that they are a perfect fit there while I'm trying to fit in. Again, please excuse me if I sound racial here. I'm just trying to appreciate what I've learned from people across the globe. I usually find them perfect in their knowledge and they are not doing a job just for heck of it. They love it! And so they excel in it. Whereas, many of us would agree that we've been pushed in a certain direction and landed somewhere else.
I hope I'm not sounding delusional. My only intention right now is to take a decision on my own. I'm training myself to believe that I can do it perfectly well. I'd never thought that this would so perplexing. You may think I'm too self-critical. For me it works just correctly. It leads to taking risks. It's one thing that we are never taught here. At least I can vouch for myself that it was never taught to me. We've been raised in a society that wants us to reflect our perfectly poised selves. We can't afford to take risks when we have so many expectations. It makes me claustrophobic. I think taking risks gives you a thrill that you can use as an energy to move forward and move very fast. It can't come from an amalgamation of a mathematical formula of success with your emotional quotient.
Success precedes excellence. Excellence can come only when your head and heart are both in what you do. It's a shame that we waste the most important phase of our lives by chasing someone else's dreams or chasing money. If we could just identify where our head and heart can meet, we would be happy and not just successful.
Live on the edge!
